Heaviness

I have a heaviness that I can’t seem to shake.

Jeff and I had a conversation about our fiances of late and for the future and our (really, mine) solution to being able to keep our house was for me to return to work.  Working and teaching are both things I’m good at and fully confident in doing, so I can handle that thought.  And, who knows, the school year begins in August and a lot of things can change in 8 months.  But, as it stands right now, we lose our health insurance on January 1 and we only have one house payment left in savings.  For the health insurance thing we are trying to finagle the buying of our regular prescriptions and a few doctor visits in a year with putting aside some money pre-tax, but it’s still going to cost us.  Ultimately, in my mind I can’t get past the underlying message of no health insurance and possibly going back to work full time: no more babies.

In my imagination, my dreams, I’ve seen myself getting pregnant in this spring and having another child around this time next year.  I could see Carter as a great big brother, loving and caring about the new addition to our family.  They would play together and grow up together.  I saw myself continuing to juggle party-time work with full-time parenting.  But, pregnancy has it’s own, other struggles outside of health insurance that I dare not talk about in this forum.  Either way, dreams can start to feel comfortable and are still tough to let go of.

The other big question: what happens with Carter? Since I first watched Carter’s personality developing I’ve known that his style and love for learning is a perfect fit for the Montessori classroom.  I think that 3 is a wonderful age to begin a half-day program and since he turned 2 I’ve been researching those in the area and reading up on Montessori’s approach to childhood and the capacity for learning.  The more I’ve seen and read, the more I’m sure that I’ll be enrolling Carter when he turns 3 in August.  However, now I may also be back to working myself at that time.  Again, I envisioned him starting at 3 to give me time to be at home with our next child.  Either way, this is what I want for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I really am ok with change, as a rule.  I just wasn’t expecting this particular bit of change.  Because I can be full of myself at times, I like to think that the work I do for my church is valuable and irreplaceable.  It took me 2 days to work up the courage to tell my friends that I may have to stop working for them in the long term, but I’d say that they took it a lot better than I did.  They’re both positive people and believe that it won’t come to that.  We had a long conversation yesterday full of tears and emotions and issues that I, again, wouldn’t dare bring up here.

You see, there’s so much about this situation that I really can’t verbalize because thinking it is just plain WRONG.

And then there are my friends, my friends who I’d rarely see if I went back to work full time.  That breaks my heart.  But, since I can’t afford to go out and do anything with them right now, I feel like I’m practicing for it now.  I just wish I were the kind of person who could talk about what was bothering me and feel all better about it.  But, I’m not and I can’t so I’m not.  I’m staying at home and I’m being really, really quiet.

But, for some reason, keeping it to myself, talking it out, thinking it to death, praying about it, crying about it, curling up and being quiet–none of it has lifted the heaviness off of my shoulders.  I’m still sitting right on the edge of tears and I’m despising this boggled-up feeling I have on the inside.

What I Learned from Being Broke: Part 4

GOD IS NEVER LATE

When things are at their worst and the outlook seems the most bleak, it can be tough to get to a place of faith.  But, as I’ve walked through this financial journey God has taught me over and over and over and over that he is never late.

First, let me say that Jeff and I tithe.  We have been since the very first deposit into our account when we were married and we both were tithers before we got married.  Though we have been through 6 months of joblessness (in 2002) and this crazy recession, we have AL-WAYS tithed before we paid any bills.  If this isn’t something you do, it may sound flat out crazy.  But, I don’t think the Bible could be any more clear about God’s will for us in regards to tithing.  It isn’t an option or a when-it’s-convenient occurrence, the Bible says it belongs to God and that He is faithful to return it to us.  God’s work is done here on earth by the tithe and more of Christians.  And, when I see all He has done for me, it’s the least I could do.

And, let me say that we have never been late on a bill, even when it looked like there was NO way we could pay (and lately that comes at least once a month).  Jeff works on total commission and things happen at the right times for him.

A few examples:

Jeff took 3 days off to go to a ministry conference with our staff last March.  We were beyond broke at that point.  That night as we sat in the hotel room, I checked our bank account and there was an automatic deposit for over $900 from a company Jeff hadn’t done business for in over a year.  It was almost to the dollar of what we needed to pay all our bills that week.  This has happened more than once from different companies for different amounts, but this one stands out the most.

Though the financial markets are nearly dead right now, a client ALWAYS comes along who wants to invest in something that pays quickly when Jeff’s pay has nearly hit the bottom.  There are countless examples of this happening over the past year.

We are protected from unexpected and exorbitant expenses:

My car was knocking BAD under the steering wheel.  My brakes were barely working.  We were praying it wasn’t going to be a devastating repair bill.  Jeff checked it out and it was a loose screw.

Jeff’s been driving on 2 tires that have cracks in the rubber for over 6 months now.  Crazy?  Yes.  But, we can’t afford 4 tires for his car.  God makes those tires last.  Jeff also sold his nice car and bought a dump.  Other than minor repairs, the car has not had any problems.

My father and brother were over last week and I asked to help get Christmas decorations down.  While my dad was in our attic, he noticed that our water heater had fallen off the bricks it was sitting on and had fallen through the floor.  They fixed it.  If they hadn’t and it had drained any amount, the water could have ruined part of the attic/roof and the ceiling.  But, it didn’t.

We are blessed by the generosity of others:

We have been invited over, invited out and paid for more times than I could possibly list here.

Carter has been bought more nice, new clothes since he has been born than he can often wear.

As we were heading into the Carolina/Vanderbilt game a few weeks ago, we were told to step aside since we did not have a ticket for him.  We were going to have to pay $55.  A man a few spaces back in line screams “NO–take my ticket.”  He shoves it into the lady’s hand and runs off.

So, are we overflowing with financial means right now?  Not even close.  But, all our needs are supplied and, though it has been more like me to worry, I’m learning instead to trust.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Two weeks ago we had family pictures made in downtown Greenville in Falls Park.  We haven’t had any pictures made together since Carter was 9 months old, so it was overdue.  Let me tell you how this came to be:

A few months ago I listed our guest room furniture on craigslist for sale.  The girl that bought the set mentioned to me that she’s does some photography work.  She gave me her blog address and I checked out her work.  It was flippin gorgeous (I’m starting to sound like Napoleon Dynamite).  I told her I wanted some taken in the fall and I sort of forgot.  Well, she kept my email and got back in touch with me to schedule the session.  I just have to tell you–this girl, Kelly Pearson, is trying to get her photography business started and she is only charging $45/hour for an on location photo session or $65/2 hours.  That in itself is an amazing deal, but on top of that she edits all the photos and GIVES them to you to order on your own.  If you want to book her, her email is kellypearson@rocketmail.com  (Hi, Kelly!  Hope it’s ok that I put your email address out like that.)  I think you should all book a session with her before she realizes how good she is and goes up on her prices!  :)

Here are some of my favorite shots.  You can click on them for the full view.

Looking at the water from the bridge

Walking across the bridge

Smoochy-face kisses

Love it

Having a conversation

JUMP to Daddy!

Carter’s favorite game: Tackle

I think we’re all looking pretty cool here.

I’ve got my baby!

Just gorgeous

Carter almost smiled for this one.

Is that ME!?!?

We’ve never looked so pretty.

Tossing pennies in the fountains.

A Moment

Today Carter and I ate lunch at home.  I fixed chicken noodle soup, cheese toast and some fruit cocktail.  He had a glass of milk to drink.  As we were sitting down to eat, he looked at the plate, 2 bowls and a glass in front of him and said

“Mommy, I have everything?”

When he said that I looked around at the house I love, the food on our plates and the clothes we were wearing.  I thought of how FULLY I love him and how I’ll always do the very best for him within my knowledge and ability.  Then I told him, “Yes, baby, you have everything!”  I know that we have everything we could ever need.

Thank Goodness Carter is Young

because we just had to make a very difficult decision.  We have decided not to do Christmas this year.  Of course we’re still going to put up all our decorations and celebrate with family members, but we aren’t going to buy any gifts except for those who wouldn’t understand if we didn’t.  The reasoning is that our (undisclosed amount) of bills that can’t be paid are of higher priority than loading ourselves and others up with stuff this year. It is a very sensible and logical thing to do and I WILL be fine with it, but it’s pretty much my favorite thing to do ALL YEAR.  I love Christmas and if I said it wasn’t an incredible tough decision to make I’d be lying.  But seriously, Carter was too young last year to remember Christmas and he won’t ask us for anything or cry if the tree isn’t full of gifts.  Believe me, his grandparents and great-grandparents will make sure that he’s well taken care of in the gift area.

I can live with that.  It’s just a little tough to get past the feeling that we’re losers.  I’m 32 years old and I don’t like that my parents have to pay when we go out to eat or that I’ll be relying on anyone else to do wonderful things for my child in place of me.  I can recognize that it’s silly to think that, but I haven’t quite gotten past it yet.

I’m so thankful that we’ll have a year that we’ll really concentrate on making memories WITHOUT money.  We’ll bake cookies.  We’ll decorate the tree.  We’ll sing songs.  We’ll drive and look at houses decked out with lights.  We’ll go to parties.  We’ll serve others in any way we can.  We’ll all be together and we’ll be full of love for each other.  And, though I can’t promise that I won’t think about it, I can promise that I will BE OK without this part of Christmas.  In fact, with a new focus, it may just end up being the best thing that’s happened to us!