I spend a lot of time wrapped in the busyness. I like being busy. I feel good when I finish a task. I feel good when I do something well. As a result, my self worth has become totally wrapped in this doing and finishing. And I’m not here. Not present. I tell myself that I’m good because I can do. I’m important because I make myself needed. And I’m fininding here in this middle part of my life that I’ve lost me and, unless someone is part of the doing, that I’ve neglected relationships. But I FEEL good. And I feel PERFECT. And when someone talks about changing, I don’t see me – because look what I’m doing. I can boil it all down to a photo of a moment that I made. And for a minute only, I smile about that and feel like I made something. But inside, what’s really there? At this time in my life, it’s starting to matter again. But the search for substance is a tough one when there are years and years and YEARS of doing rather than living built up. I’ve forgotten how to experience. I’ve lost touch with what’s real. Today I got snuck up on.
I was watching a message from my church online…because it’s snowy here and I’m a lot of a chicken when it comes to taking my car out on uncertain roads. The message was about having big dreams, God-sized dreams, more specifically. Dreams that will not succeed without His work in them. Towards the end there was a challenge to “Exchange all of me for all of Him”. And it hit me. Suddenly I knew just how I saw myself. And it wasn’t good. I thought that God wouldn’t want what I have to give him. He wouldn’t want to make that switch. He’d say that was a bum deal. He wouldn’t want my insecurities, my fears, my lifetime of crippling anxiety, my weak body, my mind of tangled thoughts, my doubts and my lack of faith. He wouldn’t want me. But as I poured over and over this He showed me that this exchange wasn’t meant to be fair, it’s meant to be cleansing. He doesn’t NEED anything that I’m giving. He has something to give me, but there’s no more space. I’ve filled it with the doing and the worrying. Those things I’ve found comfort in are taking up valuable real estate in who I am. The growth comes from my letting go. Those things about myself that I look down on aren’t from God. In my distance from Him, they’ve creeped in over time.
When I give Him me, he takes the messed up parts and brings in His light and His strength. He takes my good parts – my deep love for my family, my incredible focus, my intense passion for teaching children, my ability to reflect, my love for change, my drive for the best, my ability to see the steps needed to accomplish anything. He can take all that and filter it through His strength and love and grace and cause the junk to melt away. Those things aren’t of him and the more of Him I can let into my life, the more those things will seem out of place.
So my goal is to let go. My goal is to let Him in. My goal is to be still. My goal is to read and learn and pray. My goal is to seek. My goal is to do what’s important and stop worrying about doing everything. My goal is to be filled with light so the darkness has no place inside me.