Tag Archives: relationships

Facing Fears…

There’s something that is nagging inside my brain that I just can’t shake.  I don’t know what to do with it, honestly.  I figure the best place to start is admitting that it’s there.

I work for my church.  I handle the admin and techy stuff for my two good friends, who are the pastor and his wife.  I read the message each week as I prepare the graphics to be displayed on the big screen.  The message this week is about the fear of rejection.  In some of our advertising, there was a line about this being the biggest fear.  I wanted to cross-reference that a little and see how true that statement was.  As it turns out, rejection is the #8 biggest fear that people have.  Lurking just below it is good ol’ #9 – the fear of intimacy.  While I was there, I read a bit about this fear and how it rears its ugly head.  As I read it, I knew I was reading about myself.  And that hurt a little.

It’s very easy, over the course of about 20 years, to bury things deep.  Real deep.  Walls of comfort are built to compensate and life goes on.  On a purely logical level, I can see that I am a terrible friend.  I can look at myself holding people at arms length.  I justify unanswered and unreturned phone calls.  I live inside my own head.  I even keep my husband out to a certain extent.  There are wrongs that have been committed against me, relationships that were shattered and scars that are left behind.

There’s really no use to make excuses, but there are those wrongs.  Forgiveness has been granted and deep healing on my part has taken place, but the scars left behind form this nasty little fear.  I guess it’s a bit like guarding my heart, but probably against the wrong people now.

2o years ago, I didn’t know anything about guarding my heart…

I was nearly raped in the 8th grade.  My parents and the police walked in and found me and took me out.  My parents were very, very angry.  I went to a bad place mentally for a while after that.

People who say they care about you don’t always mean it.

I graduated high school with no close friends.  I had close friends.  Some moved, some went down bad paths that they couldn’t return from and some I ran off on my own.

Friendships are temporary.

I had plans to marry someone I dated for almost 6 years, but I caught him cheating on me.

You never know when the bottom is going to fall out.

I flipped out a little, went wild and made a very bad decision.  I lied to everyone who loved me and ended up getting raped by someone I met on the internet who deceived me, in a place very, very far from home.

No one and nothing is safe anymore.

I graduated college with no close friends.  I had several, two that were like my family.  An argument weeks before graduation tore us apart and nothing was ever the same.

It’s better this way.  I don’t need anyone.

My husband hurt me repeatedly by doing something that I’ll not mention, out of respect for him.

I am the only one who will take care of me.

And here I am now, with this annoying fear of being really close to anyone.  I’m not oblivious.  I know who I am.  I’m not someone who dislikes hanging out with people.  I love that.  I love being social.  I think I’m pretty fun.  I’ll do anything to help someone out.  But there’s an intimate place that no one gets to.  I’m not sure it even exists outside my own head anymore.  Realizing it, or realizing it again, makes me think it’s not healthy to live that way.  It doesn’t feel bad to me at all, but I know enough about what’s important in life to know that I should try to change.

I wish I could end this with some encouraging pep talk about how I’m going to be different from now on.  A lot of people would say that I should “just stop”.  Right here and now I’m not sure I know how to do that.  And I’m not sure I’m really motivated enough to do anything about it.  But this is something, right?


Spring Has Sprung

Now that Carter can follow directions and stick with something for a little longer, we’re trying our hands and arts and crafts.  Hands.  I love pictures of hands.

I also love his stuck out tongue in concentration.

Yep, we started potty training.  His first pair of underwear!

The weather seemed to warm up overnight and that means we’re OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Carter loves to be outside.  This picture really struck me.  He’s grown so much and there are times he seems big to me.  Here, I like it because he still looks so small compared to the world around him.

We’re blessed to live in a gorgeous part of the country.  These forsythia bushes grow between my house and my parent’s.  There’s an entire row of them that I see each morning from my bathroom window.  To me, they are the ultimate sign of spring’s arrival.

Carter’s into ALL the sports.  His Papa has helped him to put on all kinds of tennis gear before they play.

For a laugh–Carter is “reading” the sign that is asking everyone to stay out of the flower beds at the park.  He’s standing in a flower bed.  Funny.

This is my favorite.  These are Carter’s friends.  Seeing this represents some of the new friendships that have come into my life over the past year and a half.  These children are growing up together.

Today they all came to an Easter Egg Hunt sponsored by our church.  There are so many great things happening in my life.  So many little things that bring me joy!

The Facebook Updates that Didn’t Happen

Today is a rotten day emotionally.  I made the mistake of asking Jeff a question this morning that I really already knew the answer to.  But, I asked him about it anyway, knowing he’d lie about it.  Now, I just feel like dump because my husband won’t be honest with me.

Facebook is a really public forum with often instant responses to status updates.  There are just some things I dare not put out in public.  At least this feels pretty cozy and private.

Mandi….is dreading heading out to hang out with people who obviously dislike and disagree with her.

Mandi…longs for her husband to find her attractive.

Mandi…feels like an outsider.

Mandi…is tired of being responsible ALL THE TIME.

Mandi…is only trying to be herself, but sometimes that doesn’t go so well.

Mandi…is screaming on the inside.

Mandi…is more than folding clothes.

Mandi…hates being ignored, but sometimes feels worthy of it.

See.  All pretty much negative.  Publicly, I can’t go there.  I’m going to go now and rearrange or reorganize something to try and perk myself up.