I hesitate to even delve into this topic, this feeling that I want to deny – to banish – from my life and my thinking. But it’s there. It’s there too often. It’s jealousy.
We’re struggling finacially. Still. This is going on over 2 years now. And I don’t mean struggling, as in “Aw, we can’t buy any new clothes this month…or, we can’t go to the movies and out to dinner.” No, those struggles would be somewhat bearable. This past year, there were $30,000+ of our current household bills that went unpaid, about $15,000 was our house payment. We have scraped and scrimped in all the ways I can think of.
My husband works countless hours trying to make miracles happen in a dead financial world. He calls, he meets, he mails, he talks. He’s brilliant. Everyone says so. No one that he works with can make sense of why it’s just not happening for him. He gets so close with some and yet…the breakthrough hasn’t happened yet. He goes through times of deep discouragement. I want to make it all better for him, but I’m no good at giving false hope. Out of my mouth it just sounds false. Of course I believe in him and his ability to do whatever needs to be done. It’s his clients that I have no hope in. I can’t ever be sure that they’ll commit to a major…or even minor financial investment. When things are going well, his business is an amazing one to be in. When times are difficult, it is probably the toughest job to have. Commission only. That translates into doing all the research, putting all the time in, driving to all the meetings and getting paid nothing without the commitment from the client.
And then, just before Christmas, we got a little surprise. I found out that I’m pregnant. I will never, ever think that ever child is not a blessing and the biggest gift that we could ever get. But this is not the timing I could have chosen. I feel terrible that I haven’t gotten excited about this child. I feel terrible when there are so many people out there who would give anything to get pregnant and have their own child. And I can’t even get excited about this one – because of money. Babies need things and I don’t know how we’ll get those things at this point.
So I’m jealous. I’m so jealous that I could cry or spit or scream when I see someone who is doing well. Someone who can treat their child. Someone who isn’t worrying about money. Someone who thinks “I don’t feel like cooking” and they don’t. They buy food already prepared. Someone whose house is fine, so they can go buy a pair of shoes. Someone who can buy whatever they want at the grocery store. Someone who doesn’t have to think for a second about the price of gas. Someone who doesn’t get yellow slips stuck to their front door. Someone who doesn’t have to jump every time the doorbell rings, wondering if your luck has finally run out. Someone who doesn’t have to wonder about a time when you may have to say goodbye to it all. So yeah, I’m jealous. I think my family deserves more.