Tag Archives: motherhood

A Step

I’ve been a stay-at-home mother for nearly 5 years now.  I’ve worked part-time for my church for almost 4 years.  Both of these things hold a dear place in my heart.  Though I’m pretty comfortable with change, the thought of losing either of these things makes me feel a little anxious.  They all feel like my babies, things I need to keep a close watch over and care for daily.

Two good friends of mine decided to plant a new church in Greenville, SC 4 years ago.  Let me tell you – church planting is not for wimps.  Sunday comes every week without fail.  The church started with a relatively small amount of money to get it off of the ground.  Through the grace of God, a lot of hard work from the 3 of us and a good many other staff members that have come and gone, this church has grown to around 160 from 17.

We started out in a local high school auditorium, having children’s classes in the dressing rooms and music rooms just adjacent to where we held service.  There were some challenges that came with this location  – questionable air conditioning/heat temps, locked doors, students who helped themselves to some of our supplies and the arduous task of packing and unpacking EVERYTHING from week to week.  The school district made the decision to no longer rent their spaces to churches, so we had to leave – and fast.

This took us to a local (struggling) church who allowed us to use their building in the evenings.  This was better.  A step in the right direction.  It at least LOOKED like a church, though not at ALL what we would choose had it been our space.  We were still packing and unpacking each week, but it was better.  But, it still wasn’t home.

Finally, we found a space to rent in Greenville that we could afford.  It was small (about 3200 square feet, I believe), but we knew we could make it “Edgy” and we could plant some roots.  We stepped forward again.  What a difference it has made to be able to put our brand on the look and feel of the building.  We’ve been there a year and a half and are already outgrowing all the space we have available to us.  Now we’re looking at our next step.  And it’s a big one.

There’s a church for sale.  It’s huge.  23000 square feet across 3 buildings with a huge parking lot and a good amount of land.  The owners have agreed to lease us the building until we can afford to purchase it at a rate that we can afford, with all the rent going towards the purchase price.  And, they are willing to hold the note for us.  It’s a dream…a miracle…a God thing.  We’re moving forward.  We’re taking this step.  Particularly because I’ve been there nearly every Sunday since the very first one, this is so exciting to me.

But this story isn’t just about a church.  It’s also about me.  And about our home.

For those of you who have read and tolerated my whinings on this blog, you know that my home is in foreclosure. We built it on an acre of land that was a gift from my grandfather.  This past March marked 2 years since we have been able to make a house payment.  We are now over $30,000.00 behind.  Getting to this point was a very slippery slope, that once your feet hit, turning back in the least was nearly impossible.  Missing one payment is reasonably recoverable, but at 3 months behind, we attempted to make a single payment.  This payment was returned to us with a letter that stated their policy (and I’m paraphrasing here): We don’t allow you to be more than one month delinquent on your payments.  You must pay at least the amount to come back to that point.  In other words, they wanted 2 payments.  We couldn’t make it.  The next month, they wanted 3…and on and on it went.

In these 2 years, we’ve applied for 3 types of loan modification and been denied because of insufficient income.  I get it, I really do.  They don’t think we’re worth the modification because we don’t make enough to pay, in their eyes.  My husband is self-employed and he works commission only.  If you are self-employed or know anyone who is, you’ve probably got some idea of the difficulty of proving income.

About a month ago, we called our mortgage company about our current options.  They told us of another new program that would totally forgive all back payments, reset our loan to current and modify to give us a lower monthly payment.  I teared up when I heard this.  THIS is exactly what we need.  So, we’ve applied.  We haven’t heard anything yet, but I’m concerned that we may hear the exact same thing from them: denied for insufficient income.  My prayers are for a miracle, but of course I realize that their decisions are primarily made from data.

A few weeks ago, a friend and former college roommate told me of a job.  She works in IT for a nearby school district.  Her job is expanding to 2 positions.  Reading the description, I KNOW I can do this job.  I briefly fought the battle of whether I could leave my babies, all 3, to do this.  Almost immediately I knew that it was time to go back to full-time work.  Yes, my heart hurts a little at the thought of leaving this job that I love for a new opportunity.  My heart hurts to think that my youngest son will go into daycare for 2 years (until he can enter Montessori school with my older son).  But, my heart also tells me that I can do this…that I need to.  I don’t have an interview or even the promise of one.  I haven’t gotten a phone call from the resume and letter that I mailed in.  I have no assurance that this job could even happen, but if it does I am ready.  I am ready to get this worry of losing my home off of my shoulders.  I am ready to have dental and health insurance again.  I am ready to get up in the morning and go to a job that allows me to earn a good income to help my family.  I am ready to use my college degree in education and my years of experience in technology.  And, selfishly, I think of things I’ve missed being able to do – like get a haircut whenever I want, see a movie with my husband, buy clothes for myself, get out occasionally.

So, it’s not a change yet.  Right now, it’s just a step.  We shall see where it leads.


Evan – 3 and 4 Months

The time, where does it go?

I’ll tell you.  It goes into smiling, laughing, feeding, burping, changing, bouncing, soothing all rolled together times hundreds.  It’s life with a baby and it’s beautiful.  Admittedly, I am a baby person.  I love this stage.  Particularly now that Evan’s personality is in full bloom.  I love the smiles and laughs and moods – all new to him and to me.  Babies have a supreme talent for making all else in the world seem incredibly unimportant.  All that matters is each new thing that he experiences and that I am there to see that those experiences are amazing and possible.

For Halloween, Evan had the pleasure of dressing up like a Pea in a Pod.  He was being his usual good sport self in this shot, but that did not last long.  Eventually he realized that he had a stem growing out of his noggin and he was going to have no more of the silliness.  We settled on an adorable knitted hat that made him a much more comfortable Evan Corn the next night for Trick-or-Treating.

We went to a nearby nice neighborhood for trick-or-treating since it’s difficult to walk between houses out here in the country.  Plus, most of us are used to not getting any traffic on Halloween.  Ever the honest child, Carter enjoyed telling folks at the doors that we didn’t live in their neighborhood.  Cute.

Later on the in the month we decided that we were ready to be people of adventure again.  We wanted to travel.  We decided to pack up our 2 children and drive from SC to New York City for Thanksgiving.  If it was an adventure we wanted, it was an adventure we got.

Despite having tried out the baby carrier around the house, carrying him for hours around the city while running up and down stairs to catch trains and get to a 4th floor apartment was an entirely different endeavor.  Thankfully the weather was mostly awesome and there were plenty of family members there willing to help carry and soothe a city-weary baby.

Here we are in Times Square.  You can’t tell, but it’s raining here.  I just love the irony from the sign above our heads.  Surely the sign must have been alluding to the 18 hour wade through the I-81 parking lot  that we would face on the way home.  Even with 4 stops, it took just over 12 hours to get there, so we had a lovely 6 hours of sitting in traffic tacked onto our trip.  In a car.  With 2 small children.  We were warned it would be bad, but sometimes you can’t tell me us anything.

Needless to say- I’ll be home for Christmas.

Before I close, I just wanted to share one more adorable shot of our little “Punka Chunka” sporting his USC Game.cocks outfit.  Oh yes, the brainwashing has already begun.

The Second Month

Physical Changes: Evan continues to fill out.  Our nicknames for him include: Big E, Chunka Chunka, Squishy Face, Eggplant, Boopa Do (that one’s Carter’s), Little Pumpkin (Puh Kin).  At the end of 2 months, he weighed in at a whopping 13.3 pounds at his checkup.  His face has changed so much and he’s starting to look more like himself and less like a little Carter.

New Skills:
Supporting his own head
Standing and bouncing with support
Tracking objects

Sleep Patterns:  About halfway through the month, Evan gave me a little gift.  He stopped waking up every 2 1/2 hours and started waking up only once in the middle of the night.  What a difference.  Sanity has returned.  He’s such a good nighttime sleeper.  He’s down around 8:30 or 9, gets a “top off” feeding as we head to bed and then wakes up around 3:30 only long enough to fill his tummy, then he’s back out again.  He typically wakes up for the day with the sun, so about 7:30.

We started the Baby Wise schedule with Carter a little late, but according to this book Evan should be mature enough to skip that last middle of the night feeding around 8-10 weeks.  As I write this, he’s 10 weeks old.  In my head, I’ve got a little battle going on about starting sleep training with him.  I think it’s valuable and necessary, but I’m just not sure that he really is ready to go all night yet.  So, I’m waiting.  I’m hoping that he’ll do this on his own when he’s ready

I most want to remember:
The feeling that comes with getting that first smile is awesome.  It’s that moment that I felt like, to Evan, I became someone familiar and known.  I know he was “bonded” to me before then, but this outward sign of connect is my favorite.

The biggest challenges:  

Making it out of the house, alone, with two children continues to be a challenge.  We continue to get out, but it can be pretty exhausting and seems almost more trouble than it’s worth sometimes.  Dress the children, make the bottles, take extra everything, get in the car, get everyone buckled, head out and get a few things done, then head right back.

Sharing my attention and affections.  I love both of my children so much and they both need and want so much from me.  I want to be able to give them everything, but at times I feel like I have to deprive one to help the other.

How I feel:

A new normal has started to settle in.  Though I haven’t found those extra hours needed in the day to do all I need to do, I’ve found ways to just enough and be ok with it.

I’m exercising (a little) and wearing all my old clothes.  It’s a bit of a high to have made this very large accomplishment so quickly with my second child.  I feel like a hot mama and that’s a boost for the ol’ confidence level.

The end of the month…