Tag Archives: life

Facing Fears…

There’s something that is nagging inside my brain that I just can’t shake.  I don’t know what to do with it, honestly.  I figure the best place to start is admitting that it’s there.

I work for my church.  I handle the admin and techy stuff for my two good friends, who are the pastor and his wife.  I read the message each week as I prepare the graphics to be displayed on the big screen.  The message this week is about the fear of rejection.  In some of our advertising, there was a line about this being the biggest fear.  I wanted to cross-reference that a little and see how true that statement was.  As it turns out, rejection is the #8 biggest fear that people have.  Lurking just below it is good ol’ #9 – the fear of intimacy.  While I was there, I read a bit about this fear and how it rears its ugly head.  As I read it, I knew I was reading about myself.  And that hurt a little.

It’s very easy, over the course of about 20 years, to bury things deep.  Real deep.  Walls of comfort are built to compensate and life goes on.  On a purely logical level, I can see that I am a terrible friend.  I can look at myself holding people at arms length.  I justify unanswered and unreturned phone calls.  I live inside my own head.  I even keep my husband out to a certain extent.  There are wrongs that have been committed against me, relationships that were shattered and scars that are left behind.

There’s really no use to make excuses, but there are those wrongs.  Forgiveness has been granted and deep healing on my part has taken place, but the scars left behind form this nasty little fear.  I guess it’s a bit like guarding my heart, but probably against the wrong people now.

2o years ago, I didn’t know anything about guarding my heart…

I was nearly raped in the 8th grade.  My parents and the police walked in and found me and took me out.  My parents were very, very angry.  I went to a bad place mentally for a while after that.

People who say they care about you don’t always mean it.

I graduated high school with no close friends.  I had close friends.  Some moved, some went down bad paths that they couldn’t return from and some I ran off on my own.

Friendships are temporary.

I had plans to marry someone I dated for almost 6 years, but I caught him cheating on me.

You never know when the bottom is going to fall out.

I flipped out a little, went wild and made a very bad decision.  I lied to everyone who loved me and ended up getting raped by someone I met on the internet who deceived me, in a place very, very far from home.

No one and nothing is safe anymore.

I graduated college with no close friends.  I had several, two that were like my family.  An argument weeks before graduation tore us apart and nothing was ever the same.

It’s better this way.  I don’t need anyone.

My husband hurt me repeatedly by doing something that I’ll not mention, out of respect for him.

I am the only one who will take care of me.

And here I am now, with this annoying fear of being really close to anyone.  I’m not oblivious.  I know who I am.  I’m not someone who dislikes hanging out with people.  I love that.  I love being social.  I think I’m pretty fun.  I’ll do anything to help someone out.  But there’s an intimate place that no one gets to.  I’m not sure it even exists outside my own head anymore.  Realizing it, or realizing it again, makes me think it’s not healthy to live that way.  It doesn’t feel bad to me at all, but I know enough about what’s important in life to know that I should try to change.

I wish I could end this with some encouraging pep talk about how I’m going to be different from now on.  A lot of people would say that I should “just stop”.  Right here and now I’m not sure I know how to do that.  And I’m not sure I’m really motivated enough to do anything about it.  But this is something, right?

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Christmas 2011

We had a wonderful Christmas.  Enjoy a few looks into our family’s memories from 2011.

Our advent calendar (made from toilet paper tubes) dictated daily fun for us.

It was a treat to eat s'mores (made in the microwave) and watch a Christmas show after dinner.We decorated the tree and Carter got the honor of putting up the tree topper this year.

My little loves.

We made our own gingerbread dough, cut out shapes and decorated them.

Playing with Christmas lights and camera settings. It was meant to be a Christmas card photo, but that never quite happened.

On "Snowman Day" we ate melted snowman soup in our scarves and hats.

It was warm enough to get outside and have fun with our family on Christmas Eve.

Um, yes, we did do the matching outfits thing.

There's nothing more special that experiencing Christmas through the eyes of my children.

Carter was old enough this year to understand the whole "Santa" thing and enjoy it. So we let him.

Carter woke up on Christmas morning not feeling so hot, which made him pretty cranky. I agree - no one should be sick on Christmas.

Evan was ok with letting others open his gifts for him. He was mostly interested in making sure he got a bottle.


The Green-Eyed Monster

I hesitate to even delve into this topic, this feeling that I want to deny – to banish – from my life and my thinking.  But it’s there.  It’s there too often.  It’s jealousy.

We’re struggling finacially.  Still.  This is going on over 2 years now.  And I don’t mean struggling, as in “Aw, we can’t buy any new clothes this month…or, we can’t go to the movies and out to dinner.”  No, those struggles would be somewhat bearable.  This past year, there were $30,000+ of our current household bills that went unpaid, about $15,000 was our house payment.  We have scraped and scrimped in all the ways I can think of.

My husband works countless hours trying to make miracles happen in a dead financial world.  He calls, he meets, he mails, he talks.  He’s brilliant.  Everyone says so.  No one that he works with can make sense of why it’s just not happening for him.  He gets so close with some and yet…the breakthrough hasn’t happened yet.  He goes through times of deep discouragement.  I want to make it all better for him, but I’m no good at giving false hope.  Out of my mouth it just sounds false.  Of course I believe in him and his ability to do whatever needs to be done.  It’s his clients that I have no hope in.  I can’t ever be sure that they’ll commit to a major…or even minor financial investment.  When things are going well, his business is an amazing one to be in.  When times are difficult, it is probably the toughest job to have.  Commission only.  That translates into doing all the research, putting all the time in, driving to all the meetings and getting paid nothing without the commitment from the client.

And then, just before Christmas, we got a little surprise.  I found out that I’m pregnant.  I will never, ever think that ever child is not a blessing and the biggest gift that we could ever get.  But this is not the timing I could have chosen.  I feel terrible that I haven’t gotten excited about this child.  I feel terrible when there are so many people out there who would give anything to get pregnant and have their own child.  And I can’t even get excited about this one – because of money.  Babies need things and I don’t know how we’ll get those things at this point.

So I’m jealous.  I’m so jealous that I could cry or spit or scream when I see someone who is doing well.  Someone who can treat their child.  Someone who isn’t worrying about money.  Someone who thinks “I don’t feel like cooking” and they don’t.  They buy food already prepared.  Someone whose house is fine, so they can go buy a pair of shoes.  Someone who can buy whatever they want at the grocery store.  Someone who doesn’t have to think for a second about the price of gas.  Someone who doesn’t get yellow slips stuck to their front door.  Someone who doesn’t have to jump every time the doorbell rings, wondering if your luck has finally run out.  Someone who doesn’t have to wonder about a time when you may have to say goodbye to it all.  So yeah, I’m jealous.  I think my family deserves more.