My intentions were to never go quite this long without a good brain dump, but this week has been a whirlwind. My hard drive crashed. Thankfully, I’m a faithful backer upper so no data will be lost. But, I did have to take my little friend to the Apple Repair Shop for a hard drive replacement. I’ll insert a sincere “thank you” to Apple for expecting their products to last more than a year or so and giving a 3 year warranty on the hardware. Whenever they get around to the repairs, I won’t have to pay a thing. *whew* In the meantime, I’m hanging out with a replacement laptop that’s been good to me so far.
I turned 33 in April. I’m no longer the youngest thing around. If age is merely a feeling, then no one could tell me that I’m not still 21. I feel great. While some friends are fighting the affects of not taking care of themselves, I’m feeling pretty perky about the fact that I’m a bit insane about what I do and do not allow into my body. I could stand improvement and a good gym membership again, but I really do feel good.
This simple, and sort of profound thought at the same time, hit me while I was on the toilet in dark a few weeks ago. Yes, some of the deepest, most revealing thoughts do come whilst sitting on the toilet. I was staring out my window looking at the bright moon in the sky and I realized that my thirties have brought a calmness that my twenties lacked.
I was watching “Sex and the City” (the movie) a few nights ago. Samantha said, “Your twenties are for having fun and your thirties are for learning all the lessons that your twenties taught you.” I had to smile when she said that. I did have a lot of fun in my twenties. I was still in college when they began. I was timid and scared, but smart and determined. At 21, I got drunk for the first time and experienced what is so far my only hangover. (Thankfully, I realize my limits quickly and respect them.) At 22, I met the man who would later become my husband and I graduated college. At 23, I got my first full-time teaching job and car. At 24, I got married and bought a house. In between working, I traveled and did what everyone throws out as advice before having children: “Enjoy your life and your freedom, because when you have a child, it all changes.” I got fit and learned how to take care of me. At 29, just before my 20’s drew to a close, I built my dream house, became teacher of the year and got pregnant. I also experienced my share of tough times and heartaches.
Indeed the calmness has settled on me. All the discoveries and new experiences that left me wide-eyed and a little anxious (in the nervous sense) about life now feel like a well-worn jacket. I’ve learned how to speak my mind. I know who I am. There’s a sense of relief that comes with settling into your own skin. Confrontation will never be comfortable, but it’s nice to know that I can go there when I need it. I’ve found my words and lost a bit of my smile. Perhaps that’s from knowing that, at any time, I could lose something that I hold dear. And, it’s from a new self-confidence that tells me that I don’t have to please everyone, all the time. Sometimes I can just please me…and that’s ok.
In coming into and going out of a million conversations and situations, I finally feel like everything’s going to be ok. Still looking around my house, I can get pangs of sadness that I may lose all this, but deep inside I know, one way or another, it’s going to be ok. That’s worth more than having anything that money can buy.