Great things happen in my life every day. This blog is my counseling session. You know how, when you have a counselor/therapist that you go to, you only go when you’ve got something to work out. This is the essence of my writing. It’s working out and revealing things that are sometimes hidden in the business of life. Though we may be going through tough times, there is no doubt in my mind that God is in control. In my heart, I have faith. But, I have such a tough time wrapping my head around why, when I expect great things and financial blessings, I still get….well, met with frustration.
It’s been two years almost exactly now. Two years since I stepped out on faith that we could make it on one full-time job that pays straight commission. Shortly after, I got a part-time job working for my church. HUGE BLESSING! Though it’s no fault of God’s, we still have a lot of bills (1/2 of which is our house) and a lot of stupid debt from the past to cover each month. One thing I can say is that I’ve come to HATE bad debt. Bad debt is high-interest credit cards. We have 3. I’m sure that there are other forms of it, but for us, it’s the cards from our college years–totaling over $10,000 all together with interest rates at almost 30%. I know, the stupidity makes me shudder. Because we had a rental property that was foreclosed (it was a scam that we got hooked into about 3 years ago), the credit card companies hiked our rates when our credit scores went down and they won’t lower them. We’re considered high risk creditors now. Interesting that our good payment history is not taken into account. Ah well, don’t know how I got off on that.
Here’s where my dilemma lies. I know what the Bible says about blessings, tithing, finances. We are as faithful as can be about tithing. Inside, I fully expect each day when Jeff comes home to tell me about a big client or huge sale that he’s made. I can see him getting sales awards. He’s the smartest person I know. He works harder than anyone I know. So, it’s frustrating to me that we’ve gotten to this place. My faith tells me that we’re blessed, but my circumstances continue to frustrate me. (Again, let me insert that I KNOW it could be worse. We’ve been kept from so much in these past 2 years. But, I expect it to be BETTER right now. I expected to NEVER miss a payment–NEVER not be able to pay for my house.) We sold Jeff’s car. Used that up. We used all of our savings. We cut everything unnecessary. We closed out my retirement account. Used that up. Now we’re here. This place of TOTAL faith and no back-up plans. Sadly, I’m finding that no back-up plans is scary for me. I don’t WANT to be worried. I don’t WANT to be scared. But, I’m losing the mental battle.
A good friend had a FB post that said “What you expect is what you will get”. But I don’t think I expected to be here. Obviously, along the way, I have failed in some aspect. I don’t believe that God makes mistakes, causes harm or could ever not fulfill a promise. So, it must be me. This week I am searching for how I failed at faith so I can fix it.