First let me say that I know that things can always get worse. I know, I know, I know. So if you’re going to even THINK of saying that one of us could have some life-threatening disease then please hit your back button immediately.
In the past few weeks, I’ve learned that I shouldn’t voice negativity and worry. And, I shouldn’t say things to my husband that cause him to feel that he’s not being a good provider for our family. This is putting me in a very quiet place.
When the house payment is due in 2 days and all appearances show that we’ll be about $1000 short of making a full payment, it’s pretty tough. Jeff knows that it’s coming. He’s quiet, too. He had mentioned that we might go to his grandparents for a loan. Last week his grandmother hit bottom and is being transitioned into some level of care facility. The timing to go begging for money is not now. So, we’re stuck. Stuck here with not enough money and living on as little as we can. There are no more places to look for money.
Try as hard as I might, the worry is not leaving me. I really like my house. I like that we built it together. We picked everything out from each color of paint to the lights to the cabinets. I DO NOT want to lose my house.
So what does that mean? Especially when it can be seen as my fault. I was the one with the steady, decent-paying job and good health insurance and I gave it up. I love, love, love working for my church. I can’t even fathom not doing what I’m doing now. But, if we ended up saying goodbye to our home, will I have to deal with the knowledge and guilt that I could have done something about it forever?
I like to think that since this house sits on land that my grandfather bought for us–right beside my parents and right in front of my grandparents–that they would do something to help us if it came down to losing us and us losing this house. But I can’t really say with any sort of certainty that they would actually be able to save us. It’s a lot to ask of someone, even when they love you as much as my family loves me.
These days I’m not quite sure if I want to cry or scream. I know that neither helps much.
I only want the best for everyone in my life, but it’s starting to feel like no matter which direction I go I’ll have to let someone down.
The only thing I know for sure right now is that Friday’s coming. And it hurts.