I have a heaviness that I can’t seem to shake.
Jeff and I had a conversation about our fiances of late and for the future and our (really, mine) solution to being able to keep our house was for me to return to work. Working and teaching are both things I’m good at and fully confident in doing, so I can handle that thought. And, who knows, the school year begins in August and a lot of things can change in 8 months. But, as it stands right now, we lose our health insurance on January 1 and we only have one house payment left in savings. For the health insurance thing we are trying to finagle the buying of our regular prescriptions and a few doctor visits in a year with putting aside some money pre-tax, but it’s still going to cost us. Ultimately, in my mind I can’t get past the underlying message of no health insurance and possibly going back to work full time: no more babies.
In my imagination, my dreams, I’ve seen myself getting pregnant in this spring and having another child around this time next year. I could see Carter as a great big brother, loving and caring about the new addition to our family. They would play together and grow up together. I saw myself continuing to juggle party-time work with full-time parenting. But, pregnancy has it’s own, other struggles outside of health insurance that I dare not talk about in this forum. Either way, dreams can start to feel comfortable and are still tough to let go of.
The other big question: what happens with Carter? Since I first watched Carter’s personality developing I’ve known that his style and love for learning is a perfect fit for the Montessori classroom. I think that 3 is a wonderful age to begin a half-day program and since he turned 2 I’ve been researching those in the area and reading up on Montessori’s approach to childhood and the capacity for learning. The more I’ve seen and read, the more I’m sure that I’ll be enrolling Carter when he turns 3 in August. However, now I may also be back to working myself at that time. Again, I envisioned him starting at 3 to give me time to be at home with our next child. Either way, this is what I want for him.
Don’t get me wrong, I really am ok with change, as a rule. I just wasn’t expecting this particular bit of change. Because I can be full of myself at times, I like to think that the work I do for my church is valuable and irreplaceable. It took me 2 days to work up the courage to tell my friends that I may have to stop working for them in the long term, but I’d say that they took it a lot better than I did. They’re both positive people and believe that it won’t come to that. We had a long conversation yesterday full of tears and emotions and issues that I, again, wouldn’t dare bring up here.
You see, there’s so much about this situation that I really can’t verbalize because thinking it is just plain WRONG.
And then there are my friends, my friends who I’d rarely see if I went back to work full time. That breaks my heart. But, since I can’t afford to go out and do anything with them right now, I feel like I’m practicing for it now. I just wish I were the kind of person who could talk about what was bothering me and feel all better about it. But, I’m not and I can’t so I’m not. I’m staying at home and I’m being really, really quiet.
But, for some reason, keeping it to myself, talking it out, thinking it to death, praying about it, crying about it, curling up and being quiet–none of it has lifted the heaviness off of my shoulders. I’m still sitting right on the edge of tears and I’m despising this boggled-up feeling I have on the inside.