I have to throw out something that’s bugging me.
I’m in a small group at church on “Community” and the first part of our time together is for us each to tell our stories–people, events and places that have shaped who we are today. I’ve sort of laughed it up to people in real life saying that it bothers me to talk about myself. But, here’s the thing–it really bothers me. Not the content of what I’ll say, but the consequences of it later.
I’ve heard everyone else’s stories now and I know that theirs are far worse, more traumatic and more tragic than mine, but I still don’t want to talk about me. I’ve had 3 weeks to think about it and retell pieces of it in my head and try to find the most positive, non-whiney way to talk about my life and to talk about a few ugly things of a sexual nature. But, it’s still all coming across as awkward and something I don’t want to do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to do it. I just haven’t figured out what exactly to say. And, the simple act of thinking and pondering certain painful events in my own head has made me crawl into a bit of a shell.
Part of the problem is that my husband will be sitting next to me. I can be honest about everything that’s happened up until the point that we met. You see, my story doesn’t end with “happily ever after” as soon as I get married. But, that’s really where I’ll have to leave it: We met, we got married, we had a beautiful child and now I work here. I can’t talk about my trust issues and crap that we’ve gone through since we got married and how THOSE things have affected who I am today. Partly because we’re still going through some of it and partly because I’m not going to air out crap and have it turn into a marriage counseling session and embarrass Jeff. And mostly because I’m just tired of talking about it. I’m sort of in place where I’m done with the drama. I don’t bring things up, I try not to cause riffs and I just try to find a new normal and a new happy…or at least a new fine.
And the other thing that bugs me is that I’ll write about myself all day, but it bothers me to TALK to real people about myself. To be honest, my first urge was to come on here and delete it all. To change myself by taking this away from me. But, then I thought about the memories contained in these pages and the time and thought put into these words and I left it. I have to say, though, that it really pisses me off about me that I can form somewhat coherent thoughts and ideas in this context, but in real life I cannot speak a word about myself or how I’m feeling without wanting to run and really STOP RIGHT THERE in my conversation and talk about something…anything else. I don’t want to seem needy. I don’t want to reveal anything personal. I don’t want my life to be fuel for juicy conversation for other people. And, I think that’s how most people are. So, there you have it. Trust issues.
So, Thursday night I’ll do it. I’ll probably talk and make a mess of it and cry. I might be really quiet after. But, I’ll do it and I’m praying that something good comes from it.