It’s a fact: no one wants to hear about my money issues right now. But, they are, in fact, all I can think about. Actually, I spend a lot of energy all day long trying NOT to think about our financial future. I try not to focus on the fact that not only is our savings account GONE, but now my 401(k) is quickly dwindling and I don’t like it one bit. It took a long time for that to build up and now it’s almost gone. And when that is gone, then what?
You see, I’m pretty attached to this house. It’s our dream house. The tears start streaming just thinking about losing it. When we built it, paying for it was not a problem. We payed for it and our other bills and still had money for other things. But, our financial outlook is very different right now from when we built it.
I quit my job. I quit my job. I. quit. my. job. I walked away from the only stable salary we had. I did that. No matter how glorious you make being a stay-at-home-mom and no matter how much we agreed on it an no matter how much I LOVE it, I still can’t walk away from I. quit. my. job. I just shake inside with fear over losing it all because I know that no matter how many times I’m told that it’s not my fault–in my head it will be my fault.
And Jeff. Oh Lord, I don’t know what’s going to happen with his job. He works all the time and makes darn near nothing because it’s commission only and when you aren’t selling anything, you aren’t making anything. He’s eternally positive. Any minute the top is going to break off and things will be completely better. He’s going to take classes and pass tests and partner with people and it’s all going to turn around. The problem with that is that I’m eternally realistic. So, a few nights ago when I could sense that he was in a mood that could take this question, I asked him: “How long will you ride out this MetLife thing before you would decide it’s not working?” The answer was pretty scary: “In this economy there are no jobs, Mandi. This is it for me right now.” Oh God, I think, we’re going to ride this all the way.
What did I want him to say? I don’t know, really. That I want him to get a job that pays a salary? That I want him to know what else is out there at least? That I want him to go back to retail store management? I DON’T KNOW what he can do, I just wish he could make this terrible feeling go away.
We’ve definitely gone into survival mode. We’re canceling everything we can live without and lowering everything we feel we need. We’re turning up the temperature on the air conditioner, we’re doing laundry in only full loads. I’m terrified to spend any money and I definitely don’t want to talk about it. I don’t like feeling broke and I certainly don’t like other people knowing that I am broke–except for all of you nice, anonymous blog stalkers. And again, that brings me back to where I was a while back. When there’s one thing you can’t talk about, it’s the only thing you can think to talk about. So, I stay at home. I pull away and I draw up into myself. This is just one of those things that talking about does not help.
But there’s that one thing that I’m holding onto. My gym membership. Those that would judge would certainly jump all over that. My justification: that is my health and it is very, very important to me to stay healthy. It’s my preventative medicine. End of story.
Those same judges would also say: Where is your faith, Mandi? My only response is something that I’m learning about myself that I don’t like. When I am to this point (and you just have to walk a mile in my shoes to feel what THIS feels like), my faith really SUCKS (for lack of a better word).