Jumping Through the Hoop of FEAR

This morning I had to bite the bullet and call to make a dermatologist appointment.  For those of you that don’t know me, I my skin is so pale that’s practically clear.  I grew up in the age of no sunscreen.  In fact, most people just slathered baby oil all over themselves to enhance the effects of the sun.  That’s right, baby oil on the skin and lemon juice in the hair equalled a hot mama back in the early 80’s.  So, while I wasn’t born with terrible skin, I did develop it over the years.  I spent all day, every day outside when I was growing up.  Boy, things have sure changed.

I’ve actually been “under the knife” twice already.  When I got to the end of high school, I got the 3 worst moles removed before going to college.  It was such a traumatic experience that I didn’t go back again until I got married.  This experience was far worse.  I had 5 moles removed, one of which was on the edge of my lip.  Sticking a needle in that one made me scream.  I remember leaving the office and crying and crying on my way home.  Now, I hate ALL these stupid spots on my body.  They’re embarrassing and ugly and I’m really just wanting to have them all gone.  I don’t want to think that there’s anything that’s an entry point for bad crap to get into my body.

Even though I felt so strongly about doing this, the fear I felt when clicking around on the computer for all my choices was nearly paralyzing.  Then, I had to walk over to get the phone and it was a real effort to put one. foot. in. front. of. the. other.  I held the phone and hoped for something to come up on Facebook to distract me from actually making the call.  No such luck.  I get on the phone with the nice appointment-maker lady and I’m thinking that she’ll probably give me some date that’s a month or so away…you know, to give me time to get used to it and all.  Oh no.  She offered me one on next Tuesday.  I actually said to her, “Next TUESDAY?!?!”  In the end, I took the appointment.  I wrote it on the calendar and tried to talk myself out of it and come up with a really convincing reason to call them back and cancel it.  No suck luck.  It stands.

So, that was hoop #1.  I’ll be jumping through #2 next Tuesday morning when I actually have to get in a car and drive there.

Have you ever had to walk through fear?  What fear hoops do you have to jump through?


6 responses to “Jumping Through the Hoop of FEAR

  • Holly

    I’ve had a few things removed, but I don’t think my “things” were as extensive as yours.

    I’m really not scared of anything. It’s caused me to lead a bit of a reckless life at times. But there is one thing that really causes me so much anxiety – the dentist. I’ve had 4 crowns, 1 apioectomy, 2 root canals, 5 veneers and I have no idea how many cavities…much of the work has been on my front two top teeth due to an accident when I was a toddler. I HATE dealing with all of it and it seems never ending. In reality I KNOW these aren’t big issues but they definitely cause me anxiety. So weird that nothing else seems to bother me.

    I hope everything goes well for you.

    • mindofmandi

      Oh, don’t even get me started on the dentist! There’s needles and pain involved in that one, too. When I grow up, I want to be brave like you! 🙂

  • laurenhansonwilliams

    and also: your skin ‘imperfections’ are far less noticable than you think! all i ever notice is your eyes and smile!

  • laurenhansonwilliams

    you’ve been through so much i’m kind of surprised that this causes you fear. it does me too. when i gave birth to nolan, i had him so fast (he was practically fixin to come out by the time we got there) that they didn’t have time to put in IV’s or anything like that. and it was totally without drugs, so as you can imagine, my body was in total shock and i was exhausted. by the time i went to have my tubes tied a couple hours later, i could barely stay awake, and there was confusion as to why i didn’t already have IV’s in. anyway, when they took me off, cole was fast asleep in the room, and i was totally alone. i was terrified because i had never been through any major surgery like that before. i kept dozing off as i waited for them to get set up, but i didn’t want to because i hate my body being out of my control and i didn’t want them making any decisions without me knowing about it. they laid me down and tied my arms up, drugged me, asked me if i could feel them cutting me….i was just praying and praying that God would take care of me. i was so scared to be by myself with no one to make sure the doctor and nurses did everything right. it makes me wonder if i ever actually could have plastic surgery….so, in the end, all the doctors and nurses were so kind, they called me “honey” and “sweetheart”, and everything was fine 🙂 can’t you have someone go with you?

    • mindofmandi

      No matter how many times I go through things that involve elective pain/needles/cutting on my body I don’t think I could ever just be ok with it. At least with childbirth the first time, there was blissful ignorance! I know this pain and I’m not looking forward it. I’m sure after it’s over I’ll be so glad I did it. I’ve really let them affect my self-esteem.

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