Separation Anxiety

When I was a teacher I used to make fun of the parents who had a tougher time letting their children go to school than the child had actually going himself.  Now I am that mother.

Yesterday, as we were running errands I was planning the day out in my head.  We’d run errands, Carter would take a nap, we’d go to church at 4 to set up and Carter would go with his grandparents after church.  So, in my mind, I knew that when he fell asleep for his nap that was really it for our time together until we came home from our trip 3 and a half days later.  Without any inkling that it would happen, I turn around in the car on the way home from Costco and see that Carter has indeed fallen asleep.  I burst into tears.  Jeff is sitting next to me laughing.  Yes, I am that mother.

I feel so totally detached now that he’s gone.  I tried to have a conversation with Jeff on the way to the gym this morning and it fell flat.  What the heck is wrong with me?  Though I’m making strides to put myself first, I think this is a big sign that I still wrap so much of who I am into the word “mother”.  Of course I know that I am still a mother with him staying an hour away form home, but without those duties and that little person shaping me I’m kind of lost as a person.

This is tough for me, but it’s good for me.  This is something I needed to know.


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