When I was a teacher I used to make fun of the parents who had a tougher time letting their children go to school than the child had actually going himself. Now I am that mother.
Yesterday, as we were running errands I was planning the day out in my head. We’d run errands, Carter would take a nap, we’d go to church at 4 to set up and Carter would go with his grandparents after church. So, in my mind, I knew that when he fell asleep for his nap that was really it for our time together until we came home from our trip 3 and a half days later. Without any inkling that it would happen, I turn around in the car on the way home from Costco and see that Carter has indeed fallen asleep. I burst into tears. Jeff is sitting next to me laughing. Yes, I am that mother.
I feel so totally detached now that he’s gone. I tried to have a conversation with Jeff on the way to the gym this morning and it fell flat. What the heck is wrong with me? Though I’m making strides to put myself first, I think this is a big sign that I still wrap so much of who I am into the word “mother”. Of course I know that I am still a mother with him staying an hour away form home, but without those duties and that little person shaping me I’m kind of lost as a person.
This is tough for me, but it’s good for me. This is something I needed to know.