Last night I dreamt that I was teaching again. It wasn’t profound or anything like that. Just me, in a classroom, with students and materials.
When I got the phone call yesterday I immediately felt heavy. I knew that the decision I’d make about this could potentially change everything for me and my family. You see, while it seems like I could just work for a few weeks to make a few extra bucks, it’s really not like that with me. I really loved teaching. As strange as it sounds, I’m a really different person when I’m “playing the role” of an educator. I really like being in charge of things and I really like doing things that I feel make a big impact. I love taking on projects and I love making plans and carrying out plans, especially when I’m surrounded by resources and opportunity. Chances are, I’d jump back in that pool and the water would feel REEEEEEEAL GOOD to me and I wouldn’t want to get out. I’m not saying that version of me is a bad version, it’s just a version of me that most likely wouldn’t want to have another child anytime soon. It’s a me that would jump into the deep end of this job and let other, more important things fall away.
When I get busy, I get the work done. I just don’t take any time for me. And sadly, I don’t take the time to make sure my marriage stays ok. I wrote a few days ago about what a good place I’m in right now because I finally did manage to notch myself up on the ol’ priority list. So, money is money and there are some things more important than that in life — and I choose all of them.
I have to admit though, that this has been a confidence boost. Somebody likes me (although I actually did feel liked WHILE I was there) and somebody remembers the work I did for children. I feel important and it made me smile.
I have no regrets about this decision and I feel at peace in it.