When I had Carter, something changed in me. The only way I know to describe it was that I finally had to grow up. Suddenly, my life was no longer about me, my wants and my needs. In fact, there were weeks and months that I was so involved in caring for a baby that I nearly lost myself completely. I felt like a grown up. There was something in this world that needed me more than I needed myself, and for him I would move heaven and earth.
For a few weeks now, I’ve occasionally put out there on Facebook that I was “expecting a miracle”. Some people have asked me if it had to do with having another baby. No. It has to do with our personal finances. It hasn’t been easy “getting by” since I made the nearly impossible decision to leave my career and become the one to raise my son. But I did manage to make that decision nearly a year and a half ago. I did it not because it was what I wanted, but because it was what Carter needed. I grew up with that decision.
Today I was faced with another decision that I didn’t expect to have to make. But, I had been praying for and fully expecting a financial miracle. I just wasn’t expecting the miracle to fall on my shoulders. I thought Jeff would have a huge breakthrough at work and our prayers would be answered. And, I’m not saying that still isn’t going to happen. I believe it will.
I got a phone call today from a principal of an elementary school in the district where I taught for 8 years. She was calling to offer me a job. Yes, that’s right. A job. She left a message with little detail that I received during Carter’s Wednesday playgroup . I was pretty shocked because I am no longer an employee of the school district. I did not apply for a job. I did not even inquire of any jobs that might be available. But, this principal needed someone to take over a 4K class for a teacher pregnant with twins forced to go on bedrest immediately. The principal called the Early Childhood department for the district and the director gave her my name and phone number. The fact that she even remembers my name or has my phone number after all this time is pretty amazing to me. And, out of all the teachers looking for jobs and asking about jobs, she told her to contact me.
After the shock wore off, I called her back to get more detail. She needs me immediately to finish out the school year. And, the teacher isn’t due to have her twins until mid September, so she’d like for me to stay on until around Thanksgiving of next year, assuming she actually comes back. There’s a good chance she won’t and then it would be my job to turn down. So, I had to mentally go to having NO THOUGHT about working full time again, to thinking about if this is something I want to do.
I talked to Jeff, I talked to Robin and I talked to several of my friends. I still don’t know what to do. My responsibilities will not lessen with my church and my home, so I have to decide if I can handle it all. And what about working out? When would I do that?
That’s only the work load to think of. Then there’s Carter. Carter would have to be woken up each morning and taken to someone else to be taken care of. I have a friend who would be willing to keep him and my Dad is also willing to help. But, can I let that go? I quit working because I wanted to be the one to raise my son. Am I willing to give that up to someone else now? I don’t know. I just don’t know. Every morning I look so forward to my day with Carter–the fun we’ll have, the new things he’ll say and do. So if I say no, am I throwing back the very miracle I’ve asked for in our finances?
Jeff asked me: “Do you want to do it?” I said no. If I had wanted to do this, I would have sought it out. I wasn’t looking to work, but does the fact that the work came to me mean that I need to do this for my family? Jeff doesn’t think I need to do this. He thinks we’ll be fine no matter what. So, that means that the decision is mine. I have to decide by noon tomorrow, but right now I still don’t know. Am I going to need to again put aside what I want and do what needs to be done? Tomorrow I’ve got to grow up some more.