By nature, I am someone who likes to be moving forward, making progress and checking things off lists. Today, I am willingly letting the world fall around me and I know that it’s one of those days. I don’t readily admit weakness because weakness isn’t accepted around here, but today I feel like I’ve got no where else to go. I can admit that I still struggle with depression. It’s deep and ugly and dark when it’s here and worst of all…it’s paralyzing. You might be saying, “Mandi, how can you tell people that you aren’t perfect and you work in a church!?!?” You know, I struggled with that same question before I started this post and this is what I know. None of us are perfect. None of us have it all together. All of us drop the balls that we try so hard to keep in the air to make everyone else THINK we’ve got it all together. But here’s the truth. It’s because I am not perfect that I know each day I need Jesus Christ and his strength. It’s because of Him that I’m not stuck in this every day of my life.
It’s raining outside, my house is a mess, I have a thousand things to do, my son is laying on the floor throwing a fit for maybe the 15th time since he woke up and there isn’t anything in me right now that wants to do anything about it. As I’ve watched Jeff’s pay and our savings account dwindle and felt him pull farther and farther away from me I’ve gotten more discouraged. I don’t want to be here again in this place of lack. We’ve been here about 7 times and I despise it and I don’t understand it and I can’t find God in it. Just because I can’t find Him, doesn’t mean He isn’t there–it just means I can’t find Him. Each minute takes me closer to that next house payment that we have no idea of how we are going to pay. I try not to think about it, but that does nothing. It’s still out there. On days like this I have the reasoning skills of a child. I feel like maybe if I just go to bed and cover up completely then all the things that make me sad and consume my weak mind will just go away: my husband and child will be happy, I won’t be consumed with worry, the bills will all get paid, and everyone who I’m supposed to please will have everything they need.
That’s it. I’m done talking about it. I’m going to take a shower and force myself to move in this day.