Dear Carter – The First Letter – 18 Months

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Dear Carter,

You’re 18 months old and I am going to start writing you letters (though I’ll actually type and publish them since it’s faster than writing and it’s easier to view.  And, I’ll make them public because I always want everyone to know how much I love you and how special you are to me.).  I wish so much that I’d started this sooner, when you were tiny and new and before I’d even begun to experience any of the wonder of watching you grow.  Because I didn’t start sooner, I almost didn’t do this at all, thinking that I’d missed too much.  But, good ideas are still good even when they’re late. Don’t ever abandon your plans and dreams, even if the timing isn’t ideal.  Moving forward is always better than sitting still and living with regret.

Last night as I was going to bed I couldn’t stop thinking about how powerful love can be.  As I grew up and learned more about myself, I loved me.  Then, when I met your Daddy I knew that I could love someone more than me.  But, not there’s you–this perfect little combination of me and your Daddy and the love I feel for you is sometimes so overwhelming that I’m not sure I can contain it.  I have read before that having a child is like letting your heart live outside your body.  I know this to be so true.  I want so badly to protect you from hurts and pains and the difficulties of life.  I want to make the world better…but really, I want to make your world better.  I want you to live with feelings of happiness, excitement, wonder, success, and confidence.  I want more for you than I ever dreamed of, and I was and am a pretty lucky and blessed girl.  Of course I know that to learn and grow we all have to endure things that are tough and sometimes very unpleasant, so I’ll be here for you.  I’ll help explain the world to you and try to help you understand why things happen the way they do.  And, sometimes I won’t be here for you.  I’ll let you try out your decision-making and I’ll let you stretch and feel your own way around this great big world–because those things are part of growing, too.

This week you had a cold.  Your nose ran, you coughed and you showed us that you didn’t feel good.  You also had a tough time sleeping.  One night this week you woke up 6 times.  But, it was interesting.  You didn’t stay awake.  You woke up, you walked to where I was, you reached for me, I picked you up and you hugged me so tightly.  Then, I put you back in your bed and you fell right back to sleep.  Normally I wouldn’t enjoy waking up several times a night, but this was the first time that you had ever hugged ME.  It was really special for me.  It was like you were saying without words, “Thank you for being my Mommy.  Thank you for being here for me.  Thank you for taking care of me.”  Each time you got up, I knew you were going to hop back up into my arms and hug me again, so it was worth loosing a little sleep over.

Feel better, my baby.

Mommy loves you.

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