…in love, that is.
Jeff and I had a whirlwind romance. First meeting on the internet then connecting as friends then falling in love almost immediately. We knew we were going to get married before we even met. We were so close and CRAZY about each other. We wanted to be together every minute of every day. One day I remember walking into WalMart with our arms around each other and we were just behind another couple walking in not touching. We thought it was so odd and couldn’t imagine a day when we would be that way with each other. Now, we barely touch at all. It’s sad, really. I have a notebook full of every email, every chat, every letter, every card that we sent to each other while we were dating. I read a bit of it before Christmas and it makes me long to be loved like that again.
I watched Moulin Rouge on tv tonight. We saw that movie while we were on our honeymoon. I remember how we held each other and cried after seeing it, sad at the realization that one day death would take one of us away and then both of us away. But, this emptiness and indifference makes me feel like I don’t have Jeff anymore. We live together, we raise our son together, but do we really know each other anymore?
All the fights and words spoken out of anger bring a distance that creates a safety zone. I pull back to protect myself and I do things myself because it’s easier than asking for help or admitting any weakness to someone who will just exploit them. I still have a marriage, but I want crazy love back. Not quite sure at this point how to get it, but I want it.