Oh my, is this ever hard for me. Earlier today I completely wanted to sit down and just bitch, bitch, bitch about my marriage again. Because I’m frustrated and hurt and angry and completely discouraged right now. I believe in being honest, but I also don’t believe that having all those feelings and ranting about them right now are going to help me. It would only fuel the fire. So, I started reading. Reading is another thing I’m obsessed about. I can literally spend hours in a bookstore. All the words and knowledge of others put into print fascinates me and I want to take it all in. I want to learn from their experiences and share in their knowledge. But then there’s the having no time to deal with. Robin gave me a book a while back: “The Power of a Praying Wife”. I just haven’t had time to get to it, but I can see now that I should have tried to squeeze it in. I picked it up and the first chapter had me in tears. Over and over it was like she was looking right into my marriage and her words mirrored my attitude.
She’s was so right about me. When I do pray for Jeff, I’m praying that he’ll be convicted of how he’s hurting me and realize, essentially, how bad he’s being. And, she was right about how difficult it is to pray for someone who has hurt you versus say, your child. When someone hurts you, it pierces your heart. That sliver will fester when you try to pray and hold you back. She also began to talk about problems that she once had in her marriage, and it was as if I was reading about my own life. Jeff’s temper and his tendency toward anger and criticism. I have already seen God do so much in Jeff’s life in these areas, but it is still the source of a lot of hurt. And, she brings up an interesting point about how problems creep into a marriage almost without being noticed. They compound and cause us to retreat into our corners in self-preservation. But, with me and Jeff, we’re not cowering, we’re on the defensive. We’re both ready to protect ourselves should a problem arise. And, the wall that comes between us came up so slowly until one day I woke up and realized that we aren’t close anymore.
And, she said something sort of profound. She said, “Husbands and wives aren’t destined to fight, emotionally disconnect, be miserable or live in marital deadness.” I think there’s such an idea in the world where we live that the longer you’re married, the farther apart you grow. It seems like the norm and that there are those few lucky ones that life to sit in rocking chairs on the porch holding hands when they are 80 years old. There’s a letter that I have from Jeff when we were first falling in love that laid out his dream for our lives and our marriage. I’m going to have to find it and remind myself where we wanted to take this relationship when it was pure and unscarred. I know just where it is and I’ll post it when I find it.
I think that I’m in for some life-changing reading.