I had in mind to write this great blog about my political woes, but I can’t today. I can’t because it’s one of those days. I feel like my body is heavy and melting. My face has no smile and I am on the edge of something–I don’t know what. It takes everything in me to stop from falling into whatever is pulling me down. Gravity seems to work more on me than others today.
October 9, 2008
I’d rather be sleeping. I’d rather be crying. For both it takes all I’ve got to resist them. The things that might normally seem small and insignificant are magnified hundreds of times today. My mind gets bogged down with why I’m not beautiful and why my husband pays me little attention and why my child often seems detached from me and why we never seem to have enough money to just make it. Normally, I’ll rationalize those fears away and clear my mind onto more positive ponderings. But today I’m just rolling around in them. It’s weakness, I know–this giving in to the self-pity. Exercise would help. Taking a shower would help. Calling a friend would help. Getting up off this couch and interacting with life would help. But I’d rather just stay right here for a little longer. I’m still and the whole world is moving at rabbit’s pace around me. I just can’t muster the energy to care.
To analyze myself, I’d have to say that these are the ashes of issues I thought I’d burned from my past. They were much darker and stuck around for longer when I was younger. I should know better now. I should know not to give in.
So, I’ll pray. I’ll pray even though I don’t really have the words to say. I’ll pray for strength that I don’t have. I’ll pray that I can see myself the way Jesus does. I know he thinks I’m beautiful, even now. I’ll pray for my relationship with my husband. I’ll pray for my connection with Carter. I’ll pray for all our needs to be met as the economic world falls apart. I’ll pray for the fears to leave and normalcy to return. Then, I’ll get up and go take a shower.