For the past few nights, Jeff and I have had some strange dreams. Where do these things come from? Our thoughts, our fears, our hopes? It seems like all those things wound into a place in our minds where nothing makes much sense.
September 26, 2008
Jeff had a dream that Carter died and we had a little girl a while later. The dream was at the hospital on the day of her birth. Since then, I have been so aware of each move that Carter makes. I’m more careful when I drive. I cut his food into smaller pieces. I jump if he coughs. Whatever that dream sprang from, it translated into some very real fears for me. I know that would be the biggest pain I’d ever have to face, so there’s part of me that imagines that dreams come from a place of some truth. Possibly as a warning? Now I feel like it’s my job to watch Carter like a hawk should there be an ounce of truth to it.
Last night I had a dream that I think sprung from my difficulty to trust anyone, including Jeff. We were in a crowded auditorium, which I think was the auditorium where we hold church, but 3 times the size–Eastside high school, and we were fighting. Apparently I had caught Jeff looking at porn. The most frustrating part of it was that I was crying and obviously hurt about the situation, but Jeff was laughing through all his words in the most disrespectful and uncaring way. I kept getting more and more upset, but he was unaffected by my emotions. He didn’t care that I was hurt. I woke up feeling as if it had just happened. I was on the verge of tears and I felt so insecure. I tried to talk to Jeff about it and he tried to make me feel better, but I can’t shake it.
Sometimes I wish that I could escape dreaming. They may start as thoughts or images, but they make their way into our lives and change who we are.