I Miss My Brain

I mean that…not in the “I“m loosing my mind” sense, but in the sense that what exists in my skull seems to be a former shell of what used to be. I really didn’t believe those that told me that you forget how to have a conversation with an adult when you have a baby. Now I am proof. I’m a statistic in the worst way.
Grabbing onto the Facebook and MySpace wave has put me in touch with some of my past and it’s put me into a very nostalgic mood. Just talking to Kelly makes me remember what nerdy little kids we were. In our elementary years, we would actually sit together for hours trying to write a book about our lives and our experiences. We tried our hand at designing our own line of clothing. The point is: we wrote, we drew, we dreamed, we read, we thought big. Those things stuck with me through high school. I have a poetry book that I wrote. I have shelves of books that I read (though I’ve sold many of them now on Amazon to help put gas in my car). I have artwork and memories of artwork that I created. In college, I could write about ANYTHING and I was good at it and it was easy for me. I would have long conversations about life, love, religion, friendship for hours on end. I could open up.
Now…where is that person? I bought a sketch journal a few weeks ago with the intention of reconnecting with my brain. I glued in a few pictures and quotes from a magazine and there it is on the shelf. I haven’t painted anything in almost a year. I’m not sure I remember how. I don’t REALLY talk to anyone anymore…the bearing-your-soul kind of talking, that is. When I try, it feels a little stretched. I was a darn good teacher. I reveled in the creativity that it allowed me. I did that every day for 8 years. I’m not sure I can do those things anymore. I have Love in the Time of Cholera on my nightstand. It’s been there since Christmas. I’m still in the first chapter. “WHO IS THIS PERSON?” I can read an adult level book. I swear it.
So now the challenge: to find what got in the way and to find where I went. I don’t blame Carter or feel any resentment towards him, but I know that taking care of an infant leaves no time for much else. I can’t just sit on the couch for hours reading. I can’t immerse myself in painting for a day. In my free time, I have to do things like: take a shower, eat a meal, wash clothes, clean the house. Those aren’t choices. I guess my answer is simple: I’ll do what I have to do and when I have time to do other things, I’ll do them and I’ll try to do them well. I need that for me.
Sorry for the overall negative entry. This is where I’m at today.


2 responses to “I Miss My Brain

  • The Making of a Mother « The Mind of Mandi

    […] was when I mourned myself.  I couldn’t find anything in my life that resembled the me that I knew before a baby.  I […]

  • Angie

    Wow!! That was really good and I don’t think it’s negative. You really captured the way I think most Moms (if not all) feel. It’s great that you are staying aware that there was once someone other than “Mommy”. And trust me…eventually you’ll have more time to start reconnecting more and more with her!! Anytime you want to get together just call! All us Moms could use adult conversations occasionally! ~Angie

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