The Green-Eyed Monster

I hesitate to even delve into this topic, this feeling that I want to deny – to banish – from my life and my thinking.  But it’s there.  It’s there too often.  It’s jealousy.

We’re struggling finacially.  Still.  This is going on over 2 years now.  And I don’t mean struggling, as in “Aw, we can’t buy any new clothes this month…or, we can’t go to the movies and out to dinner.”  No, those struggles would be somewhat bearable.  This past year, there were $30,000+ of our current household bills that went unpaid, about $15,000 was our house payment.  We have scraped and scrimped in all the ways I can think of.

My husband works countless hours trying to make miracles happen in a dead financial world.  He calls, he meets, he mails, he talks.  He’s brilliant.  Everyone says so.  No one that he works with can make sense of why it’s just not happening for him.  He gets so close with some and yet…the breakthrough hasn’t happened yet.  He goes through times of deep discouragement.  I want to make it all better for him, but I’m no good at giving false hope.  Out of my mouth it just sounds false.  Of course I believe in him and his ability to do whatever needs to be done.  It’s his clients that I have no hope in.  I can’t ever be sure that they’ll commit to a major…or even minor financial investment.  When things are going well, his business is an amazing one to be in.  When times are difficult, it is probably the toughest job to have.  Commission only.  That translates into doing all the research, putting all the time in, driving to all the meetings and getting paid nothing without the commitment from the client.

And then, just before Christmas, we got a little surprise.  I found out that I’m pregnant.  I will never, ever think that ever child is not a blessing and the biggest gift that we could ever get.  But this is not the timing I could have chosen.  I feel terrible that I haven’t gotten excited about this child.  I feel terrible when there are so many people out there who would give anything to get pregnant and have their own child.  And I can’t even get excited about this one – because of money.  Babies need things and I don’t know how we’ll get those things at this point.

So I’m jealous.  I’m so jealous that I could cry or spit or scream when I see someone who is doing well.  Someone who can treat their child.  Someone who isn’t worrying about money.  Someone who thinks “I don’t feel like cooking” and they don’t.  They buy food already prepared.  Someone whose house is fine, so they can go buy a pair of shoes.  Someone who can buy whatever they want at the grocery store.  Someone who doesn’t have to think for a second about the price of gas.  Someone who doesn’t get yellow slips stuck to their front door.  Someone who doesn’t have to jump every time the doorbell rings, wondering if your luck has finally run out.  Someone who doesn’t have to wonder about a time when you may have to say goodbye to it all.  So yeah, I’m jealous.  I think my family deserves more.

In Dreams

Those dreams that feel so real when you wake up have really been messing with me for the past two nights.

This morning I woke up with a huge sense of fulfillment.  I woke up feeling smart and appreciated and wealthy.

Of course, dreams don’t have to give you a back story.  There’s often no explaination whatsoever about what lead you to where you are in the dream.  In this dream, I found myself sitting next to my husband at a table in what looked like a music room (think high school choir practice).  He was talking to them about a job.  The job was part time and had something to do with the stage.  They talked, they passed him an offer of pay per hour and hours per week.  There was a figure of $26.00 on the form.  He asked if they had anything they could offer me.  We talked about my teaching degree, my skills, my experience and my personality.  The lady, who was suddenly wearing a buisness suit passes me a piece of paper that reads “Assistant IT Director”.

Even in my dream mind, I was thinking, “Do they really think I’m qualified for this?”  I’m telling them more about myself, but with a much more “techy” spin on what I do.  She draws my attention to the pay.  It’s a full time job that pays $49/hour.  I tell her I’ll need to talk with my husband, who suddenly isn’t in the room with us anymore.  We talk, we walk around what is now the campus of a very old university.  Then, I’m back in the room.  I ask about snow.  I suddenly know that we are in the state of Massachusetts.  There are two other men there now.  They are trying to talk me into the job.  I ask about Mac v. PC.  They are PC.  I remember sighing and thinking that it would be a pain to work with PC problems.  The more we talk, the more I feel like they want me because I’m such a smart girl.

I don’t think it had anything to do with my making more money than my husband.

Dream interpretations don’t hold much weight with me.  I personally think they’re mostly random.  As I was waking up, struggling through the area that sits between sleep and awake, I remember reading in my Strengths Finder profile “You should seek out a job that requires technical competence.”  I suppose, in my dreams, I’m seeking out my ideal career.

It’s funny that I had a dream about it.  It’s even funnier the way it made me feel–like I needed that.

What I REALLY Want

I get a lot of magazines for free.  You’d be amazed at the companies that give away their magazines if you answer a few questions for them.  I get 6.  Jeff gets 3.

I look through all of them. {except Town and Country.  It’s just ridiculous.  Who, in the real world, really gives half a crap about $700 (impractical) shoes.}  I like the pictures and the ideas are inspiring.

There are gorgeous clothes that I imagine myself wearing.  Of course, I imagine my most in shape version of myself doing them TOTAL justice.  Long legs, stunningly styled blonde hair and my non-existent perfect skin.  It’s solace to me, who never really has a reason to wear the smart miniskirt and classy knee boots to Publix or the park.

I can honestly say, though it’s fun to imagine and dream, that I never really WANT those things for myself.  Sure, money being no object, I might purchase a snazzy little trench coat and pair of bold colored flats for the spring.  But, I look and I move on and there’s no ache in my heart for fashionable clothes.

I’m happy in my jeans and “Carolina Girl” t-shirt today.

Oh and the decorating ideas.  I’m certain I could do amazing things with this house of mine.  I could deck out every inch, nook and cranny.  I could organize the heck out of it.  I look at the pictures and, truthfully, my mind goes wild imaging how I could make those very expensive pieces for much less money and with my own two hands.

I don’t pursue any of that.  I don’t really want those things, either.  I know where my means are and I have no problems living there.

I’m happy in my house that, with the exception of a few pieces of furniture, is full of the very same things we put into our first house when we got married.  The things that change are the photos of my gorgeous family.  If I want art on the wall, I paint it.  If I want my house to look nice, I clean it.  I pretend that someone new to my house sees it like the ones in the magazines.

It’s fun to dream, but when I search my heart for what I really want I get this:

I want to make happy memories for my son.
I want to laugh with my husband.
I want to use the gifts that God has given me each day.
I want to always be able to make good on the promises I’ve made, whether that be to honor someone, pay someone, love someone, teach someone or help someone.
I want to learn and grow.

I think those things are all pretty simple and are, in some ways, a lot to ask out of this life; but in others, just enough.